This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
