my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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