we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
