Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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