I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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