So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
