you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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