we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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