I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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