I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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