Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Holy sore nipples Batman
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
