I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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