Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
