my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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