Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
