I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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