I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
