They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
