i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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