Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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