Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
