She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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