1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
