I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
