you have to choose: penises or morals?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize