I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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