loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
