I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
