I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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