so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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