if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The uberlube is also flammable
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
