So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
