Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
