Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
