Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
