My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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