gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
