please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize