I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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