Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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