I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
As shirtless as possible
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
