Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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