at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
