My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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