I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
