The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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