my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
