My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You ate ashes out of my bong
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
