I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My vagina is officially offended.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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