why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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