a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
