i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
