Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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