im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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