I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
